the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
