today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
