I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
