why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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