After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
