Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
