Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
