oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
