I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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