anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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