literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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