It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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