I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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