What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Be still, my beating vagina.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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