Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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