My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
