So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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