I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
