guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize