i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
