Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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