i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
