I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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