if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
