after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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