I just pynch a tree in the face
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
