found the other keg... it's in the tree
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone shattered a urinal.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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