The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Are my feet made of real feet?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
