So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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