new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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