we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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