Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
