I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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