All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
