You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
