Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need water and some morals
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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