I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
