Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
