anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
