his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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