The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
