Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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