Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
