Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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