i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Damn victory sex feels great
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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