You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
