gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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