Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
