I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
