this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
