i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
