Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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