I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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