i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
