I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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