we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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