More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
